I think the main reason of my sadness has been my desperate will to be loved by people, and I have thought that to be loved I had to please.
This reasoning is a typical error made by those who suffer from emotional dependence. And I confess I do suffer from this mysterious but terribly destructive illness that enslaves my mind, tortures my heart, and damages my life. People like me have a destructive relationship with other. Indeed, for so many years, the very basic actions of my daily life have been motivated by the need to be approved by those I meet, talk to, like, or hate. My biggest fear has always been to be rejected, abandoned, and judged.
I also suffer that people do not know how to appreciate my true value - and I'm fully aware of how vainglorious I am, saying that - but I'm the only responsible of such a situation since I do not allow anyone to look at the true me. I spend time and energy working on how to build a personality that might please the other people. Instead, I should be enjoying the person I simply am. I try to imagine what words, what tone, what attitude, might be the most appropriate in order to gain the approval of the person(s) I'll be talking to.
My problem is due to the accumulation of emotional shock I have endured since my childhood and I'm fully aware of it. Hopefully, I'm on the road to recovery and I'm pretty sure I'll be posting an article very soon to express how free I feel after I have won my battle against emotional dependence.
But so many human societies are also responsible of such silent sufferings. We are taught to please. " Be fashion!" because if you wear outdated clothes you will be mocked and therefore rejected by your own social group. "Be slim" because if you are not 170cm, 60Kg, with big boobs, perfect nails, pulpy lips, you won't be "sexy" and you are not supposed to meet a partner if you are not "sexy" or "glamorous". In some societies you even have to accept certain cultural codes to be fully considered as a "respectable" member of your own society. In Western Europe it might be to drink and hang out in nightclubs. Somewhere else it might be to only wear certain clothes, to interact only with certain people from a specific ethnic/religious/social class.
Where are we taught to be ourselves ? Where are we taught not to please people, but to please ourselves ? Where are we taught that certain values, certain principles such as the respect of difference, solidarity, tolerance, are more important than your physical look ? I do believe that many people still try to maintain or to establish societies in which we are taught to flourish, to find inner peace, explaining that it's the only way to find love. But I'm still in search for such a peaceful and respectful land or group of people that would be thinking like this.
Anyway, I will not follow what magazines or commercials say. I'm the only one I know who try to get fat while all of those around me try to lose weight, even when they do not need so. They are beautiful how they are but they were convinced they needed to be thinner, not even for their health, but only to please... nor do I care about the shape of my body anymore. I don't look like the bimbos full of silicone that a certain category of men worship ? Nice! As long as I like myself, why there would be a problem ?
I don't want to become selfish, self-centered nor too much vainglorious, but I should add a dose of self-love in my personality in order to be first loved by myself and then by people. Am I right, Narcissus ? ;)
